Over the course of this week my mood has been getting progressively worse. I could feel it about half way through that I had a downer coming my way, I knew my depression would flair up and this time it has surfaced in a crisis of self faith.
I had been working so hard making and listing, trying to find a couple of places to settle for selling my work all the while getting confused and disheartened by what I found. The issue was only impacted when I started doing the number one negative thing a creative person can do and that is compare themselves and their work to others.
I stopped loving my work and started telling myself that it is childish and garish compared to others. The more I did this the more frustrated I became and instead of loving my unique individuality I had to fight the urge to destroy everything I had been working on.
I should really have taken a break when this happened but I ploughed through, making myself feel worse and worse. It was when I woke up this morning still feeling this way that I decided enough was enough.
Anyone who has dealt with depression will know it is an ongoing battle. I found myself playing around with ideas this afternoon but not feeling happy and content with what I was doing so I turned to my journal. It helped. It’s a place where there’s no pressure to perform or create something that I need to try to sell.
That’s when I realised I had been too focused on making things to sell. It sounds silly really because of course I’m going to be focused on that when I need to make a living out of my art work but I was letting it take over and as a result it sapped all the enjoyment and passion I had. I had started trying to fit myself into a mould of what I felt I should be making rather than what I wanted to make and felt called to create. I lost faith in myself and my own guidance, my abilities and what I want.
To myself I say this… I’m sorry.
