Posts Tagged ‘musings’

We all, as creative people, know that feeling. Where nothing flows, no ideas seem to take hold and beg to be given life, no thoughts insist on being written, no images scream to be captured. All too often we blame our muses, I know I do, though whether this is true or a defensive technique I don’t know. What I do know is that being blocked is something we can work through to find balance and happiness creatively.

It’s easier said than done though, “you’re not good enough”, “call that a painting?” and “you’ll never make it” are all things my gremlins tell me to keep me blocked. The longer I leave it the worse it gets until suddenly a day has become a week, usually my lack of creativity has me feeling terrible mentally which brings out a sluggishness in me physically and I am believing the gremlin because it’s easy to do.

Creativity makes my heart sing, it makes me happy and yet I revel in allowing myself to remain in a place where I am unhappy.

I have spent a lot of time this last few months creating things that don’t make me happy because I believed the gremlin that constantly told me I couldn’t paint and do what I love, that it wasn’t wanted or commercial enough. I’m not ashamed to say I have these bouts of lacking self confidence, we all do at some point over some area of our life, the trick is to push through them because only by doing that thing we think we can’t do do we realise that we actually can do it.

I accept I need to create, more than that, I need to paint and I make the commitment to doing a little every day. It doesn’t matter what the quality is like just that something gets painted and I give it, whatever it is, a voice.


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Since my last post I’ve been feeling strangely off, kinda fuzzy on the inside which is indicative to me that I’ve picked up some kind of summer cold. It began a day or so after my Hastings trip where it felt like my spine was under so much pressure I couldn’t move it properly. The aches and pains have been moving slowly around but are still there, yesterday more so in my hips but really all down my spine and legs. My muscles feel heavy and stiff and today my head hurts to move what with the puffiness in my face that makes me feel like I’ve been punched several times over.

As such little has come out of me this week both socially and creatively and when I have a week like this it makes me feel like a fraud in some ways because I’m not pushing forward, if anything I’m stepping back. I have to keep reminding myself, as I advised another when talking to them just a short while ago, that sometimes we need that time. If we don’t take it, and the only time I really do is when my body forces me to these days, then we burn out and set ourselves up for worse problems both physically and creatively.

On Sundays the kidlets are supposed to be with their father which they are not today, it leaves me feeling uneasy that I have not had the time and space this week to do what I need to do, instead trying to force it into a day at home with the stresses and strains of having an 8 year old and a 4 year old playing and fighting in a whirlwind around you.

When I’m feeling the funk self doubt sets in, I worry, not about my parenting, at least not now. My kids are amazing and, even if I do say so myself, I’ve done a good job so far with them, it’s not been easy but I’ve done it and done it alone for the last 4 years. No, the doubt is relating to my work, my business, my art, my fears and worries about the coming September when things will drastically change and never really be the same again.

Perhaps it’s not a cold at all that’s afflicted my body, perhaps I’m giving such thoughts too much sway and letting them affect my energy and health. My Sunday is usually my healing day where, not only do I work, but I have the time to myself to get out, relax and breath. And yet, as stupid as it sounds I’m also fearful of this September when I will have too much of that time when both of the kidlets are at school full time. Big changes are afoot and they as scary as they are exciting.

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