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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

My weekly card readings have become a huge part of my practice and healing, something that I have begun to both look forward to and cherish before I go to bed on a Sunday. There was a time when I used to worry about reading my cards, for fear that they will tell me something I don’t want to hear. It wouldn’t be the first time but when they do tell me less than pleasant things it is always for my own good in the long run. No-one likes facing the fact that they have to look deeper at themselves, their issues and their own downfalls and that they need to make changes in order to grow.

My cards this week were both comforting and a call to action. I’ve known for a while that I’m carrying a lot of fear around with me. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared of moving forward in my whole life as I am about this move. The longer I go unable to find somewhere to move to that will suit us the more fearful I have become. The first card in my reading reminded me of this, how my fear still exists at the root and that it is the block that’s stopping my progress in all aspects of my life.

I’m a worrier at heart, I’ve never been particularly good at dealing with stress and anxiety which is, by nature, rooted in fear. I’m not talking about pushing it to one side or distracting myself from my fear for a while, I’m talking about finding the root cause of my fear and dealing with it as it crops up and grows; bravely facing my fear head on deep down where it exists inside of me.

So I was sitting at my desk today stewing, wondering just how I’m supposed to do that and asking for guidance when a meditative exercise came to mind, just begging to be written down and I’d like to share it with everyone so that, if you are dealing with similar issues, you can try it for yourself to see if it will help.

Face Your Fear Meditation:

See your life stretch before you as a road that you are travelling down. It runs both in front and behind through different locations that represent different points in your life. At times the path forks but always runs in the same direction. What is around you as you walk the path right now? How do you feel about your current location? Ahead on the path you see something blocking the way. It could be an object, person, creature, wall or obstacle for example. What is it and how do you feel about it’s presence? Ask it why it’s here and listen to it’s response whether it be vocal or more of a feeling. Whatever you sense from it is valid. When you are ready concentrate on your heart chakra, feel it filling with light, love and acceptance of this representation of your fear. Say whatever you need to say to it and something along the lines of “thank you for the lesson you have brought me. Go in peace and love as I need you not.” Embrace the person/conquer the obstacle/see it diminish and disappear in front of you, whatever feels right to you and move past it, continuing along your path without looking back.

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This is my mantra for this week; the message the cards gave me only far more eloquently put than I was able to scribble down while doing my weekly reading last night.

All three cards in my spread encouraged me to face my fears in different aspects of my life, all of which have been in a huge period of transition this last little while; business, love life and home. The first told me I had to face my creative fears (business), the second my emotional fears (love life) and the third the fears of my mind (home).

Facing your fears brings relief, peace and happiness in the end. It’s the only way to really move forward at times as we have to take that step through the thing we fear or never move past it into joy. I know this but it doesn’t make it any easier to do.

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Since my last post I’ve been feeling strangely off, kinda fuzzy on the inside which is indicative to me that I’ve picked up some kind of summer cold. It began a day or so after my Hastings trip where it felt like my spine was under so much pressure I couldn’t move it properly. The aches and pains have been moving slowly around but are still there, yesterday more so in my hips but really all down my spine and legs. My muscles feel heavy and stiff and today my head hurts to move what with the puffiness in my face that makes me feel like I’ve been punched several times over.

As such little has come out of me this week both socially and creatively and when I have a week like this it makes me feel like a fraud in some ways because I’m not pushing forward, if anything I’m stepping back. I have to keep reminding myself, as I advised another when talking to them just a short while ago, that sometimes we need that time. If we don’t take it, and the only time I really do is when my body forces me to these days, then we burn out and set ourselves up for worse problems both physically and creatively.

On Sundays the kidlets are supposed to be with their father which they are not today, it leaves me feeling uneasy that I have not had the time and space this week to do what I need to do, instead trying to force it into a day at home with the stresses and strains of having an 8 year old and a 4 year old playing and fighting in a whirlwind around you.

When I’m feeling the funk self doubt sets in, I worry, not about my parenting, at least not now. My kids are amazing and, even if I do say so myself, I’ve done a good job so far with them, it’s not been easy but I’ve done it and done it alone for the last 4 years. No, the doubt is relating to my work, my business, my art, my fears and worries about the coming September when things will drastically change and never really be the same again.

Perhaps it’s not a cold at all that’s afflicted my body, perhaps I’m giving such thoughts too much sway and letting them affect my energy and health. My Sunday is usually my healing day where, not only do I work, but I have the time to myself to get out, relax and breath. And yet, as stupid as it sounds I’m also fearful of this September when I will have too much of that time when both of the kidlets are at school full time. Big changes are afoot and they as scary as they are exciting.

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