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Posts Tagged ‘change’

It’s been a while since I posted anything on here but for good reason. So much has been happening what with the holidays, our trip to Disneyland Paris, the start of the school year, secondary school visits and our impending move now that we have finally found a place to live. It’s been insane and my mental state has been up and down like a yoyo. This week though, now that things are finally starting to line up, I’ve had time to think.

I’ve known for around six months that this is and would be a huge transitional time for me and that it would be one that lasted a while before anything seemed to improve. Absolutely everything in my life has been having a complete overhaul. It’s been hard to hold onto my faith that things would get better and that when the changes really happened it would ultimately lead to joy and growth for me, believe me some days it’s felt like an impossible thing. I didn’t even realise that I had been fighting the changes as much as I had.

Last week was highly emotional, I cried… a lot… at pretty much everything. I couldn’t stop and it was incredibly frustrating to me but today I realised that it was something I needed to do. As the pieces of the puzzle began to slip effortlessly into place and I could see that what I’ve been waiting for over these last few month was finally going to happen and I started to naturally let go of what I’ve been holding onto, all the good and bad that this house represents for me, all the drama and tears I’ve cried in it, all the happy memories as well. I spent a week simultaneously celebrating and mourning the last nine and a half years of my life here and boy has a lot happened in that time.

I’ve really never been a conventional person and I don’t believe that I’m made for a conventional life even though I feel that’s what’s expected of me at 32 years old with two children. I finally saw that the dream I was trying to force myself into was bringing me so much stress and anxiety and all these feelings of failure because it’s not the way my life is supposed to go. This other, scary, unconventional, right feeling way is the way I’m supposed to take to find my happiness and growth.

And so I cried because sometimes tears are necessary in order to release the memories and experiences we need to let go of in order to grow into the people we are meant to be.

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The next order of Journal Fodder business was a journal excursion. Unfortunately the day I had planned to do this I was, for one reason or another, unable to I took the first opportunity following that. It happened to be after I had taken my little man in for his first morning at school and it was surprisingly emotional for me.

I found myself fighting tears on the way to the coffee shop and once there my mood just came pouring out of me and into the page. In that regard it was probably the best day to do it. Had I gone home to do the page I probably wouldn’t have been as honest about how I was feeling or even done it in the first place.

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I suppose the blue areas are really just visual representations of my mood, including a very brief bit of writing about why I felt that way. I’ve since had the time (I did the page over a week ago) to take a step back and look at what I created now that the mood and root issues surrounding it are not a concern anymore. I see the pink as the love I feel for my little man despite my sadness at how fast he is growing up while the butterfly seems to me to represent his growth, transition and spreading his wings.

None of this was planned, my pages never are, but I find it amazing to step back once they are done and see what insights my intuitive journalling bring me.

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There was really only one word I could choose for September given the amount of change that is coming my way. From the start of the school term on Wednesday to the fact that my little man will be starting school next week. He’s doing half days for the first two weeks but then he’s there full time and suddenly I’m not going to be looking after him everyday anymore. It’s oddly heart wrenching to think about despite knowing that I’m still his mum and he’s still my little boy.

With both of the children at school I will be suddenly left with an influx of time and, I expect, a feeling of not being needed anymore. My baby is growing up, everything is changing and though I know it’s all necessary and for the best it is unsettling, more so for me than the children I think.

There are other changes happening too, the big one being my delving into starting my own business which is due to kick off this week with the coming new moon. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but it’s exciting also. I’m due to register my business with the start of the school term and as of Thursday I officially go self employed.

There are changes everywhere this month and I can only hope that they will benefit us all positively and bring us new and happy times of growth and development.

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Changing times, changing places, changing people, changing faces. 

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The biggest and most beneficial changes in my life have come from things out of my control and have not been of my doing. They have felt chaotic and forced me to adjust to deal with the situation at hand though none of them I would genuinely say I wish hadn’t happened. It can be scary, especially when the change is out of your control but the opportunities for growth and moving forward are worth conquering your fears for.

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The possibility of change used to scare me a lot until the biggest things in my life changed in the most drastic ways, changing everything from the way I lived to the way I thought. Knowing I dealt with it fills me with confidence, so that now, even when it scares me rigid, I welcome change and the eventual positivity it will bring.

The strange, textured, waxy white area was going to be a person, the original image a semi formal student looking female that I began turning into someone else. The process however did not go the way I was intending. Instead of creating a new and different representation of me the idea of change took over, not just into who I am today but the possibilities of the many future versions of me that will develop which are all so very colourful and yet out of view, so you see, the page taught me today in a rather unexpected way by misbehaving.

This post was brought to you through my moleskine and inspired by Journal Fodder 365.

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Since my last post I’ve been feeling strangely off, kinda fuzzy on the inside which is indicative to me that I’ve picked up some kind of summer cold. It began a day or so after my Hastings trip where it felt like my spine was under so much pressure I couldn’t move it properly. The aches and pains have been moving slowly around but are still there, yesterday more so in my hips but really all down my spine and legs. My muscles feel heavy and stiff and today my head hurts to move what with the puffiness in my face that makes me feel like I’ve been punched several times over.

As such little has come out of me this week both socially and creatively and when I have a week like this it makes me feel like a fraud in some ways because I’m not pushing forward, if anything I’m stepping back. I have to keep reminding myself, as I advised another when talking to them just a short while ago, that sometimes we need that time. If we don’t take it, and the only time I really do is when my body forces me to these days, then we burn out and set ourselves up for worse problems both physically and creatively.

On Sundays the kidlets are supposed to be with their father which they are not today, it leaves me feeling uneasy that I have not had the time and space this week to do what I need to do, instead trying to force it into a day at home with the stresses and strains of having an 8 year old and a 4 year old playing and fighting in a whirlwind around you.

When I’m feeling the funk self doubt sets in, I worry, not about my parenting, at least not now. My kids are amazing and, even if I do say so myself, I’ve done a good job so far with them, it’s not been easy but I’ve done it and done it alone for the last 4 years. No, the doubt is relating to my work, my business, my art, my fears and worries about the coming September when things will drastically change and never really be the same again.

Perhaps it’s not a cold at all that’s afflicted my body, perhaps I’m giving such thoughts too much sway and letting them affect my energy and health. My Sunday is usually my healing day where, not only do I work, but I have the time to myself to get out, relax and breath. And yet, as stupid as it sounds I’m also fearful of this September when I will have too much of that time when both of the kidlets are at school full time. Big changes are afoot and they as scary as they are exciting.

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