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It’s something a little different from me today mainly because I have been struggling with cravings that I haven’t had in many years. I’ve been looking online, thinking and trying to remind myself of the reasons I don’t want to revisit them permanently again and decided that it would be a good post for today.
Just over nine years ago I discovered I was pregnant with my eldest, I had been smoking for five years or so quite heavily but finding out I was pregnant gave me the urge and motivation to stop. I had no real battle with it at the time, the health and safety of my child becoming my reason to give up something that I enjoyed. It wasn’t just the nicotine that drew me in I enjoyed the act of smoking and herein lies my problem today.
For years I have been able to work around my cravings, I haven’t had that many but those I’ve had haven’t lasted me long as I believe I had no desire to smoke for more than getting the nicotine hit. Lately, however, I have been spending time with someone who smokes cigars and enjoys the act of smoking them, it has on a very basic level made me remember what I enjoyed about smoking and letting myself think such things has become a struggle for me.
I don’t want to smoke again, not like I used to, huddling out in the wind and rain for a fix but I do miss the social aspects and the enjoyment I derived from holding a cigarette in my fingers and playing with the smoke as I exhaled. I know this will eventually pass, in truth, after so long since I have smoked it took me by surprise today. I didn’t realise that, not only so long after giving up I would have these cravings but the real root cause for them. Obviously after nine years I’m not having nicotine cravings, put simply I’m having pleasure cravings, specifically for the pleasure I derived from smoking rather than for the drug itself.
Perhaps on a deeper level it is more that I’m craving the social aspects that I had during that time in my life than smoking itself? It’s possible I suppose, the fact that my mind is attempting to talk myself out of that option making it more likely. So for now I will remind myself of the reasons I quit, the reasons my I am improved without it and the reasons I don’t need it in my life.