It’s been a busy few days with little art getting done. I spent Friday sorting out some computer issues I was having, Saturday working on this double spread in my spare time, Sunday writing and taking care of other things and then yesterday preparing for an overnight trip to Ramsgate which we arrived back from today.
This page is creatively all I have to show for the time, well technically these two pages…
This purple page used the weaving I had done on the previous page by slicing through the whole page in strips and weaving purple paper scraps in and out through the slits. On the other side little of it is able to be seen as I ended up plastering things on top so I wanted to make use of the simple weaving I had added to it. The page is about solitude, most of it is writing though I will not bore you with my thoughts on the subject. Let’s just say, as the page states, self confessed HERMIT right here.
Interspaced in the squares are doodles, letters and numbers, which was fun and relaxing to do, while I watched junky things and just musing on the topic of being alone, something that I have been acutely aware of over the last few years. Too much alone time can get even the happiest of loners down.
On the other side is a little page about want vs need, something I have given a lot of thought to particularly in regards to my relationships as I think here you need to be very sure of what you want and need as far as other people are concerned and be willing to find compromise with your wants to make sure you have what you need.
Sometimes we get lucky and the two mesh together well, other times we have to weigh off what is more important. Our needs should always be our priorities, no matter how badly we want something that conflicts in some way. This is something I have learned the hard way.
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This next prompt was about embracing imperfection. I did a page a little while back about imperfection, it was supposed to be looking at perfection but where I have been for a long time is letting go of this ideal and really embracing imperfection. Believe me it’s far less stressful and far more interesting.
I decided then that my hair situation would be a good starting point for this page as it is the biggest statement I have made, probably ever, towards the goal of letting go of control and embracing imperfection. Letting my hair naturally dread is an insane journey where I look like a knotted, matted mess and will do until they properly form and mature, maybe for even longer still.
My biggest fear with the process and the reason why I haven’t done it until now was the worry of what other people would think. That they would look at my hair and think it was ugly or dirty, worse still that they would be abusive when I’m out and about with my children. For sure, it’s not the most glamorous of looks but then I’ve never been one to make my hair look perfect and lovely, I can’t even keep up with re-dying my roots when they need it after I change hair colour. And then I just thought, sod it. Who cares? Does it really matter? My want to do it was getting stronger and stronger and by denying myself I wasn’t being true to what I wanted and what would make me happy. Embracing my hair’s imperfections and letting it do it’s own thing was what I needed to do to really let go of my fear. And you know what? It’s worked! I’m so much more confident and happier since I did it, something that other people have noticed and commented on as well.
It’s something that can and should be applied to all aspects of life. Don’t stress about being perfect, creating perfectly, thinking only in the realm of perfection. It’s stressful and probably a big contributing factor to mental illnesses because of this. If we were meant to be perfect we wouldn’t be here to learn, develop and grow.
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Changing times, changing places, changing people, changing faces.
The biggest and most beneficial changes in my life have come from things out of my control and have not been of my doing. They have felt chaotic and forced me to adjust to deal with the situation at hand though none of them I would genuinely say I wish hadn’t happened. It can be scary, especially when the change is out of your control but the opportunities for growth and moving forward are worth conquering your fears for.
The possibility of change used to scare me a lot until the biggest things in my life changed in the most drastic ways, changing everything from the way I lived to the way I thought. Knowing I dealt with it fills me with confidence, so that now, even when it scares me rigid, I welcome change and the eventual positivity it will bring.
The strange, textured, waxy white area was going to be a person, the original image a semi formal student looking female that I began turning into someone else. The process however did not go the way I was intending. Instead of creating a new and different representation of me the idea of change took over, not just into who I am today but the possibilities of the many future versions of me that will develop which are all so very colourful and yet out of view, so you see, the page taught me today in a rather unexpected way by misbehaving.
This post was brought to you through my moleskine and inspired by Journal Fodder 365.
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Since my last post I’ve been feeling strangely off, kinda fuzzy on the inside which is indicative to me that I’ve picked up some kind of summer cold. It began a day or so after my Hastings trip where it felt like my spine was under so much pressure I couldn’t move it properly. The aches and pains have been moving slowly around but are still there, yesterday more so in my hips but really all down my spine and legs. My muscles feel heavy and stiff and today my head hurts to move what with the puffiness in my face that makes me feel like I’ve been punched several times over.
As such little has come out of me this week both socially and creatively and when I have a week like this it makes me feel like a fraud in some ways because I’m not pushing forward, if anything I’m stepping back. I have to keep reminding myself, as I advised another when talking to them just a short while ago, that sometimes we need that time. If we don’t take it, and the only time I really do is when my body forces me to these days, then we burn out and set ourselves up for worse problems both physically and creatively.
On Sundays the kidlets are supposed to be with their father which they are not today, it leaves me feeling uneasy that I have not had the time and space this week to do what I need to do, instead trying to force it into a day at home with the stresses and strains of having an 8 year old and a 4 year old playing and fighting in a whirlwind around you.
When I’m feeling the funk self doubt sets in, I worry, not about my parenting, at least not now. My kids are amazing and, even if I do say so myself, I’ve done a good job so far with them, it’s not been easy but I’ve done it and done it alone for the last 4 years. No, the doubt is relating to my work, my business, my art, my fears and worries about the coming September when things will drastically change and never really be the same again.
Perhaps it’s not a cold at all that’s afflicted my body, perhaps I’m giving such thoughts too much sway and letting them affect my energy and health. My Sunday is usually my healing day where, not only do I work, but I have the time to myself to get out, relax and breath. And yet, as stupid as it sounds I’m also fearful of this September when I will have too much of that time when both of the kidlets are at school full time. Big changes are afoot and they as scary as they are exciting.
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“…in a world of tears I slowly drown…”
The word tragedy is very subjective, a tragedy to one is not to another. We have our personal tragedies and our shared tragedies, each important in the effect they have on us and more importantly what we learn in our dealings with them. There are, however, three things I think of when I think of the word itself. The first being tears, the second being the ‘tragedy’ theatre mask and the third being the song by the Bee Gees. The line of words I used around the eye being from that song and the most poignant part of it for me.
While this is a journal fodder prompt it’s not in the moleskine with the rest of the work through and that was because in my regular art journal I had been playing with my drawing inks on a day when I had been feeling down and in my own personal tragedy. I didn’t really know what I was going to do with the teary eye I’d made until I read the next prompt, adding the mask, words and some brown inks.
There’s no need for me to relay the details of any of my major or lesser tragedies in life or the way they have made me feel. We’ve all been there at some point in our lives and felt the soreness of eyes stinging from heavy tears in response to our own tragedies. It always passes and they always teach us something and show us that we have strengths we didn’t even realise were there. They carry us on to happier times.
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There is something about watching fish swimming around that is very relaxing…at least it is when your youngest isn’t having a paddy because he’s scared of said fish.
Yesterday we had a day trip to Hastings including a visit to the Bluereef Aquarium where, armed with my iPad, I attempted to take some photographs. My camera died a few months ago and it was today that I really missed it, my iPad proving tricky to use and capture the fish the way I wanted it to, still the results aren’t too bad and have given me plenty of inspiration to work from in the future.
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Another quick moleskine page for the Journal Fodder work through, this one was a bit of a purposeful speed run on the theme of imperfection.
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